Donovan Taylor Hall
We spoke to Donovan about his perspective on vulnerability, masculinity, and education.
You can watch the conversation here, and you can read an adapted excerpt of our conversation below.
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I had a unique opportunity to share my work online. I've been working towards being a public figure for kids for about 12 years. My work centers on the social and emotional health of young people. This interest stemmed from how people were showing up in the world and why so many were driven by fear, using negative emotions negatively. I started connecting the dots between kids' feelings about themselves and their behavior. Sharing this online, I felt anxious as my videos involve a lot of vulnerability. Recently, men from their 20s to 50s reached out to me, resonating with the emotional vulnerability in my content. This led me to think more deeply about my role as a public figure and as a man, redefining strength and masculinity. Connecting with you all was to further deepen that conversation. Seeing the stories and perspectives on your page was validating, showing me that I'm not alone in these conversations.
Yeah, I think you've landed on something important. Regardless of the content, men being open and vulnerable online is powerful and rare. It's great to know there are spaces for healthy sharing and connecting online. I love that you're doing similar work. There needs to be more of it. I'm wondering, how does it differ by age? You mentioned working with kids. Are they more open and vulnerable than older people? How do you handle those differences?
Safety is key, especially today with the emphasis on emotional vulnerability. My work tries to meet kids where they are, rather than imposing ideals. Establishing safety is crucial. With my kids, safety comes from organic relationship building as a teacher and mentor. Interestingly, people online felt safe with my content despite the lack of direct connection. It's more about life experiences. I've worked with boys aged 13 to 15 who struggled without support, and with men in their 50s who've been guarded their whole lives. The extent of their guardedness impacts their ability to be open. Sometimes, kids are immediately comfortable discussing their feelings and being vulnerable due to positive relationships at home or with other adults. It's easier for me to empathize with those struggling to open up because they haven't had these experiences before. Meeting people where they are is important, as is incorporating safety into discussions about emotional vulnerability. It's crucial to be intentional when talking to kids about vulnerability, setting them up for success, not failure or rejection.
Yeah, a couple of good points. I'm curious, first, are there societal factors related to masculinity that prevent men from lowering their guard? Also, what techniques or guidance can you offer to help them share more openly? And about the knee-jerk reaction of men feeling attacked in unsafe spaces, how do you coach them to find safe spaces?
I think the first part has been tough. Being black and growing up without my dad, who passed away when I was young, I struggled with emotional regulation. I felt outcast by other black men for being emotional. Addressing societal norms about vulnerability and emotions is crucial. I worked with a primarily Mexican community, and we slowly created a safe space to discuss feelings. This gradual approach is essential. Growth mindset is key. Pushing too hard and too fast leads to rejection. It's about asking simple questions like 'How are you feeling today?' and building emotional vocabulary. Creating a sense of safety and trust is vital. With kids, it starts with establishing who they feel safe with. For adults lacking a safe person, building deeper relationships, seeking therapy, or joining groups can help. It's important to check in with oneself to understand one's feelings. This self-awareness can lead to seeking appropriate support. Emphasizing safety in vulnerability, especially for black and brown men, is crucial given the current societal and media landscape.
Trust is essential. As you were explaining, the importance of connecting adults to their inner child is powerful. We all have similar needs to our younger selves – to be loved, supported, cared for, and have fun. It's a great reminder to connect with our inner child and hold space for them. Many people disconnect from their younger selves, often viewing them with self-hate. But reconnecting creates cohesion and understanding. It helps in taking care of oneself, distinguishing between survival and thriving. The advice for those listening is to develop trust in themselves. Building emotional vocabulary and self-inquiry is helpful. Expanding on simple responses like 'good' or 'bad' helps build confidence to share more openly. Creating a top three list of safe people to go to for help is another step. For adults without someone, deepening existing relationships, seeking therapy, or joining groups are options. Building the capacity to share vulnerably starts with oneself. It's a process and takes time, but gradually, one gains access to their vulnerability and ability to share with others. Exploring underlying themes like grief can lead to seeking specialized help like grief therapy. Emphasizing safety in vulnerability, especially for black and brown men, is crucial given the current societal and media landscape.
Having an outlet to be vulnerable is crucial. Many guys remember sharing openly and receiving negative reactions. We need to encourage finding safe spaces for sharing. It's a human need to be open and discuss what affects us. I'd love to hear, now or later, any ideas or resources you have for men lacking such outlets, including books, works, or collaborative opportunities for our communities.
Emotional vulnerability and regulation were two sides of the same coin for me. As a young person, my emotions drove me, but without understanding them, I felt things deeply and experienced loss and trauma. I struggled with emotional dysregulation, nearly costing my life. I lacked conversation around therapy and mental health, leading to self-blame. My college years were rough, marked by self-harm and seeking safety in unsustainable ways. Working with kids, I realized I needed to take better care of my emotions, turning it into intentional emotional vulnerability. Being vulnerable online or on TV made me realize the impact of sharing my darkest moments. Therapy and a strong support system helped me understand the importance of sharing these experiences. It's been a journey of learning to be vulnerable with my emotions and experiences sustainably and safely. Teaching kids it's okay to cry, but also asking them where and with whom they feel safe crying, is important. I aim to help kids seek safety within themselves and around them.